I'm having one of those werid days where I can't figure out whats wrong with me. It's either I can't figure out whats wrong with me, or I deny whats going on with me, so that I don't have to admit it to myself. I hope you all can maybe understand what I mean by that. Its either I really don't understand what's wrong with me, or I don't want to admit thats wrong with me. If it is the second part, then why am I denying it? It seems like I just want to deny so I can feel bad all day. Who knows. I could also be feeling bad cause I havn't eaten a whole lot today, and its 5:20 now. It smees that if I could just either admit what I'm not happy about, or figure out what I feel bad about, then I would be able to easily deal with it. But then maybe my subconcious mind might already know whats wrong, and is protecting me so I don't have to deal with my "issue". Wow, wouldn't that be crazy. What if the feeling I have now is a 7/10 for bad feelings, and my subconcious knows that what I'm realing dealing with is a 9/10. Wow, I've never been much for ripping off bandaides so I guess I'll deal with my 7 for longer, instead of a 9 much faster. Maybe if I write down my wants and what I feel is wrong, I will be able to deal with it better. If I do write it all down, do I share it with anyone?
I am enjoying sitting here right now. At the moment, I know I feel bad cause my stomach hurts. Monique told me that I probley wasn't going to be able to eat dinner here when we were at Target, but things are looking up. When she told me that, I felt really sad. But I also at the same time understood her mom's point. I think that I have a power that both helps me and hurts me. I think my power is the knowledge to know what someone else is feeling and thinking. Because I have this sort of power ( which really isn't a power, just humor me) I can understand the reasoning of other people. The bad part of this is that I can understand someone's logic even if it goes against mine. So in this dinner exaple, I could see why I wouldn't be invited to dinner, but it also hurts me to know that I'm not invited. Talk about a big issue. I think I could ramble like this for a long time. I could talk about what this all means in the way that I think, and in the way that I let certain feelings and emotions take over.
Lol, I don't know why I think about all this stuff too much. MOnique says I'm crazy. I know I am, but I really can't help it. Ever since last year taking my philosphy class, doing this sort of thinking has been like music to me. I do spend more time just thinking than playing music. I although, spend a lot of time thinking with music on in the background. I do my best thinking when I am "able bodied". Like, not hungry, not tired, not depressed, not worried about something. SO, that never happens ;) Haha. THis is going to be a long post.
I'm watching Monique and Melinda make dinner. Monique just smiled at me. I wonder what she's thinking as helps make dinner. She also gives glaces at me, which are nice. I like to be noticed. I just got her to smile again. I can't tell what she's doing, but something with green stuff. Celentro (sp?) maybe, she finished chopping onions a few minutes ago. Its suppused to be some big mexian dinner, which I would love. Home made food is so much better, so I would spend all of me points on that. Even if it is high is points. Well, I don't have much to do. I already asked to help, and I'm smiling a bit more just by talking, so I'll talk more.
MOnique is wearing a green tank top. She has her hair in a pony tail. I think her hair looks really cute. Its funny, now that Melinda is next to me, she smells just like Monique. I guess they all use the same stuff for washing clothes. Haha, never noticed that before. Monique doesn't look to happy at the moment, I'll try to change that. I'll wink at her... here we go... We'll she grapped a knife, so that will make her happy. Ouch, the slicer just fell into the sink. I'll have to think of something else to do to make her smile later. But man,for someone chopping veggies, she sure is attractive! I dunno why, but girls working is hot. I don't think that is sexist... I just like to watch her work.
It got real quite here now and I can only hear the sound of my hands on the kieyboard. I think is this also a wierd way to talk about life. Just describe everything as I see it in the moment. Then publish it so others can read. I don't know if anyone will find this interesting but I sure don't mind doing it at the moment. Its like I'm talking to myself. Monique told me that she read my pervious post, but I couldn't tell what she was thinking either when she read it, or when she told me about it. For knowing her a while, I still find her as a hard as a blank book to read. "what am I doing" asks MOnique. We'll when you read this later, you'll find out. I might be strange, but then again I just might be myself. I think being myself is the most important part. Sometimes I do forget that, which is why I'm glad I got on here and wrote some stuff. I always feel better cause I know I'm being myself when I write on BLogger. THen I feel good about myself, and all that stuff I said before doesn't feel as bad anymore.
Okay, this is finally the end. Congrads for all those who made it though. If you did, leave me a message and tell me what you think. If you know me, let me know in person. I just like feedback. Like I said, I like to be noiced. Okay, bye everyone!
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1 comment:
Hey skyler
You really said it best when you said "I think being myself is the most important part". I am still (at age 45) struggling with being true to whomever i REALLY TRULY am, and not who the outside world thinks I am, or who I should be... You are such a deep thinker sky, (you always have been the one who pondered and observed before jumping into things), and that is a rare valuable (and in my opinion)and treasured asset. Keep it. It WILL cause you pain but it WILL bring you some of lifes greatest joys. You are realizing that life is full of passages, and sometimes it is safer to not wish to enter these passages because they may lead us to a new unknown part of life...maybe into a painful period/maybe not, but we humans do fear the unknown... Life lived without self examination and self direction is merely exzisting... fine for some, but not for me certainly and I have a feeling not for you as well... But don't let my words direct you; rather consider them as one of many possibilities. You are NOT wierd or strange to have deep thoughts. Some people never do, and choose to live a surface exsistance which is a choice they are entitled to, to be sure, but I for one never could. I like to ask myself in times of personal doubt; am I being honest with myself ? Am I doing or feeling this as a result of outside pressures, and if so how do I feel about that, and even more importantly how can I, for my own good, be the best person for myself without harming or intruding upon the free will of those others in my life who must do what they feel they must do. Londa taught me a-lot when years ago as we were going through relationship issues and I asked her what do you want me to do ? She said "Alec, you're gonna do what your gonna do so just do it and don't blame me for it and don't expect me to tell you what is the right thing to do. My brother Mark was also very helpful once years ago when I told him I wanted to go on a 1 month long Motorcycle trip through the west, but " I Couldn't" due to my job & my Band etc...He said "Hummer, it's your life and you can do whatever you want to do just by choosing to do it" This helped me realize that I really did not want to go with him although it did sound like fun; I really wanted to stay in California at my job so that I could stay in the Band I was in. This helped take away the feeling that I was trapped in the situation I was in, and instead of feeling resentful for missing out on the great Adventure with him, I was much more at peace. I realized that I was choosing (by my own free will) to be where I was. I actually could have gone with him just as right now I could get in my car and drive to the airport and go live on some beach as a surf dog. That "sounds"great, but in honesty, The life I love and I freely choose is to be here with Londa, Trevor, Grandma, and my DEEP thinker, the son named Skyler that I love, respect and look up to. I was not joking a week ago when I told you that you are one of my Hero's at this time. You are a rare and special soul sky, perhaps and old soul as some have said. I wish you all the best through you growing and your shedding of skins which is something we do all of our lives... (if we are lucky and brave enough to examine and change our lives when we honestly feel we must!). I love you... DAD
PS Never make a major life decision while stressed, tired and especially HUNGRY! Keep smilin' son
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